Lessons In Heartbreak
I remember one of my very first experiences with heartbreak. I was young, only in my first year of college. I had liked my best friend from high school for the longest time. Even though we went our separate ways for college, we'd talk every day, whether it was over Skype or sending each other letters in the mail. We'd make all these plans and talk about all the things we would do after we graduated, and for a while, I really did think it could all happen that way. I was so happy when we finally divulged our feelings to one another. I had so many expectations when in reality it was the first time I'd truly experience disappointment when it came to relationships. After telling me how he felt, he stopped talking to me for three months. It's not easy to go from talking every day to someone you consider to be your best friend, to having absolutely no communication.
My entire life at the time was complete chaos, that the thought of dealing with my emotions was a bit much for me to handle. My life changed drastically, mainly due to the fact that I completely numbed myself from feeling anything. Of course, a few months too late, I got my explanation. He made a mistake. He was scared and had now changed his mind. It was what I always wanted to hear, but by the time I did, it was already too late.
The growth I experienced at this point in my life came from what felt like hitting rock bottom. So many different events in such a short time frame, that literally knocked me on my ass. It was in those moments of feeling completely alone that I learned that the only person that will get you out of a tough spot is you, and the only way to get up from being knocked on your ass, is by picking yourself up.
When I had gotten the offer to move to New York City, not only was it a life-long dream of mine, but it was an opportunity for a fresh start. My go-to advice for people looking to "find themselves" has always been, move to NYC. You'll never feel more alone while being surrounded by millions of people. It's literally a city that forces you to find your voice because without it you won't be heard.
By the end of my four years in New York, I was a completely different person than the girl I was at 18. Because I had experienced all this growth, it was hard to relate to the things and people I once cared so much about when I was younger. I always thought living in NYC made me cold and detached, but really I had just shed my old life and entered a new chapter. My biggest heartbreak in the four years was having to say goodbye to the city that changed my life. It was all bittersweet, but I was off to new adventures.
Fast-Forward to 24, and I finally got what I was looking for a chance to really feel. I thought I had lost that part of myself, but then life gave me another heartbreak. It felt like the theme of my life for a while between golf and my love life. This time it wasn't just the disappointment of failed expectations, but the real deal. It felt like the same chaos I had experienced that first year of college, except this time, ironically, I was the one acting in fear and then holding on to a situation where when I finally made the decision it was already too late. That's the balance of the universe, I guess.
It took me two years to really come to an understanding of the situation and finally let go. I thought for the longest time I was holding on to that person, but in reality, I just didn't want to let go of that part of myself. I didn't want to move on, because I know so well that when we move on, we grow, and sometimes that means certain people won't follow us, including parts of ourselves. It's so easy to create attachments to people in order to disguise that what's really blocking us from moving on is that fear of change. That fear that if we realize we can be a better version of ourselves, we may leave the life we know behind and not be able to go back. People change and grow, and sometimes they do it without you. I've learned that the ones meant to be in your life always find a way back, even when they have to take time to themselves in order to grow on their own.
It's taken a while, but I've learned that all the people and experiences I have in life are my greatest teachers. Every heartbreaking experience, whether it was love, let-downs in your career, or hard goodbyes, forces you to grow and learn how to pick yourself back up. Some teach you how to let go, some teach you how to love, and some teach you how to just appreciate and value each moment because once it's gone you'll never get it back.
