Diving Into a Pool With No Water
I remember the first time I ever really felt heartbroken. I was sitting in the kitchen crying to my mom, repeating the same broken record in my head, “How could he do this to me? He told me he loved me?!”.
I’ll never forget what she responded to that day.
She said, “Well, shame on you for thinking his definition or capacity of love is the same as yours.”
Amidst all the crying something had finally clicked in that moment of tough love. She was right. Just because he said it doesn’t necessarily mean he lied. It just meant his idea and experience of love was different than mine, and instead of observing the actions, I got wrapped up in the words.
I’m the first person to admit that I’m a sucker when it comes to the sweet-talkers. It’s fun. It’s hard not to eat that shit up. But I’ve learned the hard way that if those words aren’t backed up by action, chances are things aren't going to end well for you.
I get the same phone calls and conversations from my friends all asking the same thing when they are upset. "I don't understand how this happened?", "How could he do this?", "Did I really just mean nothing to him?"
I'm not throwing anyone under the bus, this is a collective trend in today's dating scene, and I'm not saying that I haven't said one or all of those statements. My response is always the same. You have to pay attention to the actions, but I'm beginning to realize not everyone has an understanding of what these actions entail.
Someone told me the other day in regards to a relationship, "Jenn, just remember to make sure the pool has water in it before you dive into the deep end." Better advice honestly couldn't be given and I think it's a step that we all tend to overlook.
Imagine when you're training for something. Maybe you have a vacation coming up you want to look good for or a competition you're preparing for...whatever. You're motivated. You work your ass off to get the results you want for that specific goal. The day comes and goes. Now what? Do you continue working your ass off, do you keep the same routine, or do you think "eh, I accomplished what I wanted no need to keep pursuing that" Sure it's a completely different scenario but remember this... How you do one thing, is how you do everything. You can learn a lot about a person just through observation of their day-to-day habits.
That being said. Buying flowers for someone is easy. Taking someone to dinner is easy. Telling someone they are beautiful or "I could imagine spending the rest of my life with you", unfortunately for some people, is very easy. While these are all wonderful gestures that you should hope for, be aware of the timing in which they are happening. Where is the effort going towards? Is there really any effort at all?
In my own personal journey of learning how to value actions over words. I started to realize that when we actually pay attention to certain details we can almost always see a form of behavior coming in some way or another.
I spent a lot of time with this one guy, who made an effort to really just immerse himself in my life. Everything I did, he wanted to be a part of. We'd talk for hours and he'd ask me these really deep questions and would really work towards getting to know each other on a very deep level and I thought, "Wow! this person is really making an effort to be in my life." I remember in one of our conversations he was talking about how he can be a little obsessive and takes on new hobbies and then after overdoing it for a month or two moves on to the next obsession. Oh shit. It was at that moment I realized, I dived into a pool that had no water.
Sure enough, it wasn't long before I was in the rearview and he was immersing himself in whatever new "hobby" he had picked up. Luckily, I recognized the behavior pattern instantly and was able to look back and say, well I saw it coming. You see sometimes people can't control their nature, and it's not up to us to change them. Just to be aware. I don't think at any moment he was disingenuous with me, (Shit, he even gave me a heads up without realizing it) at the end of the day his natural tendencies kicked in, and just as most of us do, he went with it instead of making the effort to change.
It's times like these we have to remember in our moments of hurt, that sometimes these things have so little to do with us and a lot more to do with who that person is. We have to be more forgiving with ourselves, and also learn to be more forgiving towards the people who may cause us pain.
We can truly avoid so much hurt by just simply paying attention, communicating, and making our own effort towards getting to know someone and building a relationship. All the behaviors we would appreciate from someone else towards us. When we do these things not only are we learning to understand why they behave the way they do, but we stop blaming ourselves for things we can't control, and we start learning how to just accept that which is. So, learn to stop ignoring what is sometimes directly in front of you and if you are unaware of what to look for these are my go-to rules!
If you have to repeatedly ask them to make an effort...run. just run. They're never going to.
The best action someone can show you... hands down is consistency. If you've ever been consistent with something in your own life, you know it takes some damn effort. If someone makes the effort to be consistent with you, appreciate that.
Pay attention to the little things. Like those day-to-day habits, how they speak about previous relationships, or even how they treat hobbies vs. passions. You'll learn a lot about a person and where you fall in between the two groups. I promise.
Find someone who holds space for you to be you. I frequently write about holding space for those we love. Allowing them to truly be themselves, but make sure you find someone who does the same for you and knows how to be very patient, and takes the time to learn how to communicate with you in a conducive way.
Last but not least. Remember that not everyone is going to comprehend love the same way you do and that’s OK. Just as I'm sure most of you know of the different love languages, we have to be understanding that not everyone grew up with our same experience of receiving love and affection. It's up to us to make an effort to learn what it is our S.O needs and how they go about expressing the idea of love and from there we can assess whether or not we are ready to dive into that pool and know how to make sure the water is there to catch our fall.
