To All The Boys I've Hurt Before...
At the risk of seeming completely basic, it's hard not to be all-in on the newest Netflix movie hype, "To All The Boys I've Loved Before". I gotta say, it was a super cute movie, and if you're in the mood for something to pull at your heartstrings I would definitely recommend watching it. As someone who has been known to write some letters of my own into a journal, the movie hit pretty close to home and I can definitely say I was able to learn a thing or two about myself from watching.
Amidst my journey of self-discovery and personal growth, I recently came to the realization that I kind of suck.
This whole time I've been wrapped up in the thought and expectation that people are just going to let me down, that I never really realized all the ways that I might be the one letting people down.
I always joke that I am the human representation of the meme where the little girl is smirking as she walks away from an exploding building. I have a nasty little habit of intentionally sabotaging situations and causing these "explosions" only to walk away from it all together not giving a f*ck about the aftermath or the people involved.
As I have started to become more self-aware, it has become more and more difficult to walk away from the burning house pretending like I don't really care, when the reality of the situation is that the house is on fire because I really, really care. What I find even more upsetting is that the people in my life who despite my shitty behavior continue to want to be in my life and just accept that it's just who I am and have grown accustomed to the fact that I'm just going to have my "moments". So, here I am projecting this irrational fear of being let down, that I have just created myself an environment of people who just expect to be let down by me. Realizing that really breaks my heart.
I am a huge believer in owning your shit. Stepping back and realizing all the ways you might have contributed to failed relationships, friendships, jobs, etc. I have no problem owning mine. I'll be the first to tell you I have a temper, I'm a bit neurotic, anti-social, quick to dismiss people, I mean the list goes on. We get so wrapped up in blaming others for our problems, that we don't sit down and take note of all the ways we might have provoked those scenarios. A huge part of my growth and self-acceptance came from admitting that I'm not perfect, I have parts of me that aren't so nice and that is OK. The more I've started to accept these parts of myself the more people have shifted into my life that accept them too. Oh my goodness...what a feeling!
Life is a never-ending cycle of learning. The more awakened I become, the more lessons the universe starts to send my way. It's like leveling up in a video game. You tackle one thing just to encounter the next. Well, consider this your cheat code. Passed the level of owning your shit, comes realizing when it's time to make the effort to at the very least work towards changing. I say it like that because I am still in the process of trying to change, and trust me it's not easy.
I always preach about wanting someone who makes an effort and when you find those people I think you need to be honest about whether or not you are truly returning the effort. Those people in your life who have given the energy to stick around and try to understand how to deal with your behavior, I believe, deserve for you to at least care about your actions and make a conscious effort to try and be better for the people who do their best for you. I've been that person, and while I might choose to love unconditionally it doesn't feel very good and to know I may be that person for others, doesn't feel very good either.
It is so easy to suppress our feelings and pretend like we don't care. It's easy to walk away from situations and just vanish instead of admitting that we have feelings. Guilt, Love, Fear. They are emotions we all face, some of us are just better at hiding than others. I think the people that truly care about you will not only be happy to hear the truth, but grateful that you've made the effort to overcome that fear. I've realized sometimes the overthinking is what kills you and whether feelings are reciprocated or not, it's the truth that sets you free. Sometimes we just have to remember that it's safe to take that plunge because worst case we'll be there to catch our own fall. That's really the only support you ever need, anything else is just an added bonus.
So, to all the boys(and also friends) that have been victims of my suckiness...I'm sorry. I did/am doing the best I can. Hurt people, hurt people. You know how it goes. The best thing we can do is to try and stop perpetuating the cycle. Instead of confining our feelings to ourselves or our journals, make a choice to be more open and honest with people, free yourself.
To all the people still in my life, thank you for not only putting up with my shit but inspiring me to make the effort to be better.
On that note...
May your week be filled with lots of love,
-J
