Embracing the Emotions
March is such a wonderful time of the year. Everything starts warming up, spring is on its way. The seeds we planted back in September have germinated and are finally starting to bloom. Just like the seasons we too begin to grow and blossom from intentions and ideas we planted back in the fall and then nurtured throughout the winter.
One of the beautiful things about journaling is that you can temporarily jump back in time and remember what it was you were going through at any moment in the past. Sometimes, I have a nice little laugh when something that in hindsight was so trivial at the time seemed to give me so much grief. Other times, in this case, I'm able to look back and see how the things I set out to do have unfolded. Old goals, but new understandings. We can get so desperate for these instant results that we forget sometimes these thoughts and behaviors are like seeds we have to water and feed so that one day they can grow into something beautiful.
I went into last fall with a list of improvements I wanted to make. The main task on this list was to get a better grip on my emotions. One thing I've learned to be true in all the mysteries of the Universe is, "Ask and you shall receive". In the beliefs I have held throughout my life, I have experienced that in the moments where we completely surrender to whatever power is greater than us, it delivers. It doesn't necessarily present itself in the ways we want, but more so it delivers in the ways we need.
When it comes to golf, I have always battled a "nasty" temper. I've seen tons of mental coaches, read all the books, and studied all the methods. They all pretty much say the same things. Let it go. Move on to the next shot. Don't get angry. Relax. I spent so much time trying to learn how to suppress this part of myself that I never truly realized the real power came from embracing it.
There would be times on the course where I would get angry and then I would get angry at myself just for being angry. It was a self-deprecating cycle that, yes, would ultimately take me out of the moment and cost me a lot of shots. Then, there were times where I would be angry and I'd play the best golf of my life. I'm talking back-back-back birdies and rounds of 29 on 9 holes. Why did this anger work in my favor and the other didn't? Well, probably because instead of wasting my energy trying to suppress those emotions, I, in that moment of time, embraced them.
If you would have asked me to answer that question back in September, I wouldn't have had an explanation for you. I didn't understand it like I do now. My whole life I've tried to learn how to control my emotions and failed. By trying so hard to control and suppress, I was subconsciously creating a fear, which in turn allowed my emotions to control me.
As I've mentioned so many times, the issues we face on the golf course almost always mirror the problems we encounter in daily life. I was raised by two of the most logical, unemotional people who just so happened to have a child who is imaginative and to their standards, hyper-emotional.
Funny, how things work out.
Most of my emotional outbursts growing up were met with a lack of understanding, uneasiness, or being told I was "Dramatic". So, naturally, I was trained to expect these types of responses whenever I wanted to display emotions. I learned to suppress these emotions very well, but they never really went away, they just transformed into something else. Anger.
When I felt sad or hurt, I wouldn't express this emotion. I'd lash out and my emotion of choice. Anger.
Disappointment would come out as...you guessed it. Anger.
After 26 years, I'm so thankful to have a mother who has taken the time to understand and accept who I am. Now, instead of using terms like "Dramatic" we use words like, "Passionate" and "Romanticist". Because that's what emotions are, our ability to have a deeper connection to life and the people around us. Our emotions allow us to fall in love, not only with other people but most importantly ourselves.
I smile because after remembering the intentions I set back in the fall, I feel a great sense of joy knowing that I have gotten a better grip on my emotions, only because I've loosened the grip altogether. Now, when I feel sad and want to cry, I cry. It's in releasing that emotion that we truly allow ourselves to heal. If someone hurts me, I tell them by expressing my feelings and communicating. I no longer feel the need to argue or yell at someone in order to get my point across.
The times I played my best golf were the times I took what I was feeling in that moment and USED IT. After many learning experiences in the last few months, I've finally come to terms with my emotions. I love them. They make me, me. I no longer hide from them. I feel them, and then I USE THEM. In doing this, I finally have the control I have so desperately longed for.
It's common to hear people say,
"How can others love you, if you don't love yourself?"
Well, the same is true when it comes to dealing with emotions. Society teaches us that feelings are bad, this is so false. If you can't embrace your own emotions and feelings, how do you accept someone else to want to accept them?
Collectively as a whole I believe a lot of people need to hear this, and If my realizations are able to help at least one other person, I will be satisfied. So, my final message comes from an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote back in October:
"If I can accept the chaos in other people then I have to trust there are people out there who accept the chaos in me."
I don't know If I believed that then, but I do now. We are so quick to accept flaws in those we love, but not in ourselves. The moments you stop seeing them as flaws and learn to embrace the qualities unique to you is when we can really start growing and healing as a whole and allowing more love into our life. <3
