Excuse the Mess…

Femininity…

How do we define The Feminine? and how have we been deceived by societal structures as to what we believe when it comes to certain gender roles that have been placed upon us?

These are some questions that have been weighing heavily on me lately.

At the beginning of the year, I hosted my very first online course. It was a 28-Day Manifestation Challenge geared towards helping people start their year off on the path to successfully manifesting their 2021 desires.

One thing I have learned when it comes to working with the Law of Attraction, is that you always get what you ask for. It’s just a matter of whether or not you are paying attention.

So, when we arrived at the final week of the course, during our Full Moon call, we chatted about blockages and what is currently blocking you from aligning with what it is you are looking to manifest?

And then someone asked me..

“Jen, what do you think is blocking you?”

Now, I could come up with a list of potential blockages, but the one I spouted out that night was…

“I’m Messy.”

I’m not talking emotionally messy…

I’m talking, my apartment is actually quite literally a mess.

If you were to walk in to my apartment on any given day, you’d see scattered clothes, unfinished art projects, and a dining table with an accumulation of things I have been working on throughout the week that I honestly can’t be bothered to organize.

You see, growing up I had two very tidy parents, a Father who to this day loves to “mess-shame” me, and a mother who harped that my external is a direct reflection of my internal.

So, naturally, I too developed shame around my mess.

It’s my dirty little secret that manifested into me not allowing people (especially men) to come into my home, because god forbid I reveal this apparent flaw in my character.

The ones I did allow to come over, was only after hours of me cleaning and hiding my mess in cabinets in closets (because it never went away, I just compartmentalized). I’d give them the old, “Oh, it’s messier than usual.” Lies. It’s the cleanest it’s been in weeks.

And every single one…always said the same…

“I think we need to do a little bit of re-organizing in here.”

oof the pain it would trigger.

I spent hours cleaning… HOURS!

Just to feel like that girl being mess shamed by her father all over again.

It just further affirmed my shame. This wasn’t even the real mess…and they’re already making comments….leading me to repress the mess even further.

So, when I said it out loud on the Zoom call, I knew…this is something I need to figure out.

like I said, you get what you ask for.

That week was not only one of my busiest, but to make matters worse I had two friends decide to drop in unexpectedly and a cleaning lady who was sick and couldn’t make it for my bi-weekly cleaning. (and yes, housekeeping was one of the first things I outsourced when I started making enough money. No shame in my game.)

I had no time to organize everything before their arrival, so I had to just start accepting that they were going to see my mess.

The Universe was directly confronting me with this shame and forcing me to face my fears.

Of course when I led with, “It’s really messy. No for real…it’s messy” I was greeted with oh it’s not that bad! Mine is worse!…relief.

As the next week came and went, with a still ill housekeeper, I knew this was The Universe forcing me to figure it out. I mean…I asked for it.

So, as I’m sitting in a Clubhouse room chatting with 7-figure coaches on how to improve productivity, I asked… “How do I stop being messy?”

“I clean, but within hours it’s messy again? how do I fix this?…help”

Their responses SHOCKED me.

It was along the lines of, “Girl, what do you mean? You’re a creative. Not only that, but you work at home. Of course your space is going to reflect all that energy that is being released…same thing happens to us.”

and then it all clicked.

In all my time spent working with bringing my Feminine & Masculine energies into balance, I’ve learned that the Masculine holds the space and the Feminine fills it up.

I notice this the most when I’m constructing a course, My Masculine energy is what holds the container, while my Feminine aspects goes in and fills it up.

Same thing happens with baby-making, the masculine plants the seed, while the feminine then expands, creates, and birth’s.

Femininity is chaos.

It’s our creative genius.

It takes a small seed of thought and turns it into creation.

When we blend in our more masculine aspects, we create a sort of controlled chaos.

As, someone who’s business relies on my ability to channel and create, the easiest thing I could do to block that creativity is take a break to clean and organize.

Somewhere in this societal structure, we’ve been taught that “women clean” but that’s not true…women, or “The Feminine” creates. The Masculine brings structure and order.

Therefore, when dealing with creatives it’s likely you’re going to encounter some level of chaos in their external world, because it’s from that chaos that they have the ability to harness and create.

If my focus were on cleaning and bringing order to my space, I would be working from The Masculine, which is not the ideal space for creation, rather the space to be in when taking action and building structures.

This journey is all about finding balance.

It’s about moving past these perceived flaws that society has taught us are shameful and wrong, and realizing that someone else's definition of success doesn’t have to be yours and vice-versa…your definition of success might not be someone else’s.

Perception is everything...

So, it’s time to own the mess and trust that when we learn to love and accept our flaws, other will be more inclined to do the same.

Capricorn Lunar Eclipse: Reconnecting with My Past Self.

Last night I had a dream...

I had flown to San Francisco in order to visit some cliffs an hour outside of the city. As I came upon them, there was this all too familiar feeling. I had been here before. I knew the unexpected twists and turns of the road. I knew exactly where I was headed and what I would see when I arrived. I was back. It was this overwhelming feeling that the purpose of my trip was fulfilled, to come back to this exact spot. Back to these cliffs that overlooked a vast beautiful ocean. If only for a second before I move forward onto my next adventure.

Before I settled into bed last night and began to traverse my expansive dream world, I was thinking about this upcoming Lunar Eclipse in Capricorn, and I was prompted with the question, “What have you mastered in the last two years?”

The question would go unanswered, only to be revisited when I woke up this morning. “What have you mastered in the last two years?”

Curiously, I woke up from my dream only to look at my Facebook memories and see that two years ago I just so happened to be in San Francisco on this exact date….

Coincidence? I think not. 

Having a total of six Capricorn placements in my chart, you can imagine that this Full Moon is anything but a gentle experience for me at the moment. As a collective, we are forced to evaluate the thoughts and connections in our lives that no longer serve our higher purpose. We are forced to evaluate where we are on our path to success and in which ways have we allowed ourselves to fall behind?

It forces us to ask the question, “What have you done in the last 2 years?”

As someone with a heavy mix of Capricorn and Virgo, perfectionism is my downfall. My life is comprised of setting massive goals and striving to achieve them. With a belief that if I’m not pursuing some kind of dream, then I’m not living, I have a tendency to discredit all my hard work when I let off the gas or fall short of my projected timelines. 

So, asking myself what have I mastered in the last two years has the ability to send me down a self-deprecating spiral of instead asking…How have I failed myself in the last two years?

But then…I had my dream.

I’ve never visited any cliffs in San Francisco, nor am I sure they exist. In reality, anyways. BUT I received the message loud & clear. I was literally taken back to who I was two years ago on that monumental trip. 

A 26year old “retired” Professional golfer, who was just beginning to learn that she didn’t need to see herself as a failure just because she fell short on her goal. A girl who was learning to be proud of all she accomplished and the many lessons she learned on this designated path. A girl who was redefining who she had believed herself to be after 26 years of dedicating her life to a story that would no longer be told. Most importantly, It was that weekend, I realized that I had a lot of living left to do, and it was time to start writing my next chapter. 

It was literally that trip, after attending a Bob Proctor seminar, where the wheels were set in motion. So, here I am beating myself up for thinking I haven’t mastered anything in the last 2 years, feeling like I’ve failed myself, similar to how my 26-year-old self felt 2 years ago. 

And then I remember. There is no such thing as “2 years ago”. The timelines I created are just that. Timelines that I create. There is no such thing as failure. Only Movement. 

Of course, I am revisited by that past version of myself, because it was that weekend that I set the intention to be the version of myself I am RIGHT NOW. Of course, I would feel a familiarity with those cliffs and of course, I would want to go back. That’s where I leaped, and I’m preparing myself to leap again.

So, I’ll ask again, “What have I mastered in the last 2 years?”

I’ve created a business that is fully aligned in the feminine construct. I’ve destroyed timelines and external structures and now fully align myself and my business with nature, The Moon, and my own body. I’ve created an environment in which I get to lean fully into my feminine energy and The Universe gets to provide for me. Talk about an ideal relationship. My only job is to focus on my own spiritual growth and nurturing my creations in order to better provide others with the space and energy for healing. 

As 2020 has forced us to pause and purge, we find ourselves slowly moving out of patriarchal structures. The emphasis of these 9-5 routines are slowly falling away. People are waking up. We’re reconnecting with nature. With ourselves. We’re beginning to understand that to truly help the whole, we must first help ourselves become whole. 

So, as we feel all the energies of the lunar eclipse, and we decide which chapters will be coming to a close, and which are merely beginning. I welcome you to arrive at the edge of your own cliff as we journey into the new age. Many of you set the intentions long ago to arrive at this exact moment, whether consciously or unconsciously. So, it's not about asking yourself how far you've come... it's asking yourself whether or not you're ready to jump.

2020: The Year of Miracles

I suppose I should start this off by wishing everyone a Happy New Year! 

As we enter 2020, we are not only starting fresh with a new calendar year, but also an entirely new DECADE. Some of us have resolutions set to go to the gym more, establish careers, release the fears that hinder our success, or perhaps take more time to give ourselves the T.L.C. we are craving in our day-to-day lives. 

2019, for me, was a massive year of growth and establishing a renewed sense of independence. It was about answering questions like, "who am I?", "What am I doing", and "Where am I going?" It was the year I removed limitations, established a solid foundation for success, and took a hell of a lot of risks. Some paid off...some did not. BUT despite the occasional failures, I chose to see tremendous beauty and bravery in the attempts. 

2019 brought in many new friendships for me, as well as deepened connections with pre-existing ones. As we counted down the last ten seconds of the year I was surrounded by friends, this feeling had such a profound sense of importance to me knowing I'd be taking this love for the people in my life into the New Year.  

Two years ago my life began to transform when I read "A Course in Miracles". Beginning to see the little miracles that occur in our daily lives, like seeing "11:11" to the big Miracles of having those deep epiphanic moments of realizing all the love I need in my life not only surrounds me but is also already within me. It is just a matter of allowing it to be felt, being open to experiencing these divine moments of love, and knowing that even the smallest of miracles, is still a miracle.  

In the weeks leading up to New Year’s Eve, I began to re-read parts of the manuscript that I had highlighted and bookmarked back in 2017. Not only did the words still resonate, but parts I may have overlooked in the past held more meaning for me now. This book took me nearly a year to finish in order to truly digest its teachings. It is not for the faint of heart, but I highly recommend it if you are looking to change your life. Because the book had such an impact on me, I have tied it into one of my 2020 resolutions of wanting to get back to writing and also reconnecting with all the beautiful teachings I have learned and hope to share those learnings with others. 

2019 was my year of saying yes. Yes to Adventure. Yes to success. Yes to failures. Yes to heartbreak. Yes to LOVE. 

2019 was realizing that the ultimate form of self-love, I've learned, comes from allowing yourself the safety to feel every single one of these things and not choosing to deprive yourself out of fear. 

2019  was about slowly knocking down the walls around me and breaking out of the chains I created for myself. 

Moving into 2020, I feel an innate sense of freedom, which both frightens and excites me. I feel a sense of unlimited potential for where I can go in the New Year/Decade. So, my intention is simple. "You are Safe." 

Safe to grow.

Safe to feel.

Safe to be whatever you want to be. 

Safe to Believe In Miracles.

But most importantly,

You are safe to allow those Miracles (big or small) to bring joy and love in to transform your life. 

-J

What's The Rush?

My last post was dated, February 5th. Today Is Currently, April 15th. For starters, how are we already in the Spring of 2019? Where has the time gone? Why has it moved so fast? Also, I'm shocked at my lack of inspiration lately to find things to write about. Perhaps, it's been my inability to form coherent thoughts. If you were to take a peek at my journal the last few weeks, you might think they were the scribbles of a madwoman. Working with so many different people, helping them sort through their emotions and find balance will definitely take its toll on your own mental clarity and the time I do have for myself I'd much rather be outside of my thoughts, rather than sorting through them. 

That's the killer, isn't it? Thinking. Time. Having time to think. Thinking too much.  I've learned that it is so important to be responsible with your time, allowing yourself the time to feel, heal, and process. Not rushing yourself, despite the world forcing this sense of urgency upon us, this sense that we have to be on certain timelines, or that the things we want must come to us immediately otherwise why put forth any effort in waiting for that in which we want. We're trained by our surroundings to expect immediacy in our daily lives. Hungry? Click a few buttons and within 30 minutes, it shall come to you. Don't know the answer to something? Google it. Lonely? Open one of the many apps, make a couple of swipes, throw a few likes, and before you know it, you're bound to have a fish on the hook. 

We live in a day and age, where literally everything is at our fingertips. A world where instant gratification is so achievable, that it honestly makes us so lazy as a society. In working with many different people on an energetic level, it seems as though, as a collective there has been a huge struggle in communication. Being open, honest. Not just with others, but ourselves. There are so many ways we can distract our brains, so many outlets, not all necessarily being healthy, in order to avoid facing and confronting the things we really need to work on within ourselves. 

This is by no means an attack, considering, I too am guilty of the same behavior, but understanding when it's time to take a step back and realizing the reality of certain situations. Facing the music. Wanting things in your life, yet not putting forth the effort in order to make these things happen. Wanting that perfect relationship, but finding dissatisfaction in every attempt because it's not an instant feeling of connection. Thinking that there will always be better, yet constantly being disappointed. You've got to allow yourself the time to grow into things. You have to put in the work and effort to build foundations. The same goes for careers or pursuing passions. Things aren't always going to happen with the snap of your finger. You've got to make the commitments and stick through it even if the going get's tough. Most importantly, when it comes to working on yourself, STOP SETTLING! Majority of the time we aren't getting what we want out of life, it's our own damn faults. Being honest with yourself and actually making the effort to grow and change may be one of the hardest tasks we are faced with. 

Every time I have experienced a disappointment or a setback, I find this is the most important time for me to take a step back, feel what I need to feel, process, heal, and then grow from it. So often I see people use distractions to keep themselves from taking the time to actually heal and in turn, end up repeating the same exact cycles of hurt and disappointment. I suppose it can be easier to maintain the comfort of reliving a certain experience, rather than actually confronting those nasty fears and emotions, looking in the mirror and realizing maybe it's you. It's not fun, but the beauty is as soon as you face that cold, hard, ugly truth you are one step closer to growing and evolving. Unfortunately for most, self-awareness is not enough to make the change. YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO PUT FORTH THE EFFORT TO CHANGE! This is where I find people get stuck. 

"Well, that's just who I am." 

Ok, fair enough, but, then you can't complain when the same obstacles keep repeating in your life. 

Patience is a virtue. Cliché, but oh so true, and something we as a society need to be reminded of. Have patience, with the people you love, the people you don't... and most importantly be patient with yourself! Challenge yourself to start seeing things from a different perspective, to really make an effort. We can get so wrapped up in our own thoughts and cycles of overthinking and overanalyzing that we let time pass us by without ever taking action, instead of remembering that sometimes the best achievements in life, are the ones that come from moments when we give ourselves the freedom wholeheartedly to go after the things we want.    

2019: The Year of No More Disappointments.

Welcome to 2019! how's everyone doing so far? Still, basking in the freshness of this new motivating energy? Ready to tackle a new year? Grow a little bit more. Move further away from the things we chose to finally leave behind back in 2018? It seems as a collective, 2018 was a big year for growth and transitions. No longer giving energy towards that which doesn't serve you and really moving towards finding that long term sustainable happiness. If you're late to the game, worry not, it's never too late to start on your pursuit of happiness. 

We are in that window of time where parking spots at the gym become harder to come by, and our workouts are filled with many fresh new faces hoping to implement new activities into their routines. By the time February rolls around the crowd thins out and life sort of teeters back to that previous state of comfort. Perhaps, it is the pressure of having to completely uproot and change your life as the clock strikes midnight. Or, it's the self-sabotaging fear of disappointment that holds us back from sticking to our resolutions and reaching our maximum potential. 

Whether it's a New Years Resolution or something that's been on your list of things to do for a while, make today the day that you stop blocking yourself from what it is you truly want. Have you been wanting to start a blog? Maybe write a book? Maybe start a side gig? What's stopping you? What is the reason you are saying one day instead of today? Think about it. There are so many excuses we can make and so many ways in which we sabotage ourselves, but today I feel like talking about that pesky fear of being disappointed. Mainly, because it's one of the things I have decided not to bring into 2019. 

Detach From Your Emotions

For the longest time, I could never understand this concept. Being a highly emotional person, in the sense that my passion and emotions are what drive me, I never understood how I could be passionate, give something my all, and then remove my emotions from the equation. I heard this the most while I was playing golf. At the risk of sounding dramatic, (which, I am) I would put all of my heart into this area of my life, which is what made my disappointments all the more soul-crushing. When you have your heart broken so many times, you build up a wall. It's your internal defense system. Instead of being shocked and hurt by the disappointment, you just learn to expect it. Makes it easier right? Well, wrong. In building this fortress of "protection", you actually begin to pass up on opportunities for success because you are stuck being attached to some emotion from a past situation that you are bringing into the present. This shot right here is not the same shot I may have missed in the past. The relationship you are contemplating with this new person is not going to be the same as the one you had with a completely different person. You must detach yourself from this emotion that stems from past situations. Past Fears. There is no reason for it to be present at this moment unless you bring it there. It manifests in all areas of your life. For me, it got to a certain point where I had to analyze, why am I constantly being disappointed? I can't say I was shocked when I concluded that I am the common denominator. 

It's YOU

If you're asking yourself why the same thing keeps happening, you should know it is you. Sorry. Someone's got to say it. We are all guilty of this, so you are not alone. It's important, to be honest with yourself on how you may be sabotaging yourself. Not just in relationships, but a career, and life in general. It is so easy to resort back to what is comfortable, what is safe. Amidst building our walls that are meant to keep out disappointment, we are also blocking things that might truly bring us happiness. Not wanting to let people in, out of fear they'll let us down as all the other ones do. SO you start acting a bit colder and more detached. Not pursuing a passion, because of how awful it would feel to go for something only to fail. When we set ourselves up immediately focusing on all the ways we could be disappointed, then what generates in our lives is more disappointments. It's a self-created, vicious, cycle.

What You Focus On Grows!

I've said this in many of my posts, but it's worthy of repeats and constant reminders. If you are constantly focused on how you've been disappointed in the past, how you could potentially fail, or how you'll be let down in the future, you will create it. Our minds are very powerful. Be cautious of where it is you are directing it. Instead, try focusing on all the good that can come of it. Focus on the things about whatever it is you want that makes you happy, don't sweat the small stuff. Start focusing on all the ways things can go right, and begin to detach from those past thoughts and past hurts. Doing this alone will help you see tremendous shifts throughout your life. 

Life is easy if we decide to let it be, you just have to learn to be selective of your thoughts. Emotions are not what we should be afraid of, it's our inability to express an emotion that keeps us trapped reliving the past, and past traumas/heartbreak. So, if you are cutting cords this new year, go ahead and decide to separate yourself from the emotions and failures of the past. It is a new year after all, and tomorrow is a new day. When you finally do decide to let that wall down, you might be surprised to find all the things that have been dying to get inside. 

---

The Beauty Of Being Lost

I've always wondered what it'd be like to be a person with a clear vision of life. A person who has an idea of how they were going to live their life start to finish. Where they're going and how they are getting there. Sometimes, I get upset with myself that I'm not as rigid and strict with my life plans as others are. Sometimes, I feel like a mess. Sometimes, I feel very lost. 

Growing up, I've always been considered by those around me to be somewhat of an idealist. My head has always been in the clouds, and to be honest, I don't think it intends to come down any time soon. As I've gotten older and perhaps, wiser, I've also learned that it can be an insanely beautiful thing to be lost. I think the problem with life, that brings us pain and heartaches is believing that we've ever been or will be "found". 

When we are kids, we have dreams of being doctors, superheroes, movie stars, maybe even professional golfers. As children, we are taught that it's ok to dream. It's ok to believe you can be whatever you'd like to be. We are given the freedom to see the world with this wide-eyed innocence because we are too young and naive to know any better. So tell me, at what point does reality shift into this dark, dim, world lacking hope and happiness? At what point is it time to "grow up" or "figure it out"? I'm still pretty convinced the whole idea of figuring anything out in this lifetime, is pretty much a myth. See that's the thing. The people who you see, living their dreams, and being successful doing so...you might not believe this, but they never grew up from that childhood optimism. They never let those fears of society creep in on them, telling them they're not good enough, or that they were going to fail. 

Whenever I travel to a new city, I love to take a day to just get lost. Walk down streets I've never seen before, find cute little cafes that I probably would have never found if I yelped or googled my way around. Having traveled by myself quite a bit, I always find it funny when I travel with new people and the question is always, without fail..."Do you even know where we are going?" NO. I don't. That's the point. Because when you allow yourself to get lost, sometimes, that's when you stumble upon something you might have never expected. 

It's the same in life. Sometimes, you have to just know what it is you want, and instead of planning out the specifics, allow life to just guide you to it. Who knows, you might just happen upon something really great along the way. The idea of being lost to many, is very scary, but why? We live in a time where all the information in the world, is sitting right in our back pockets if we need it. Perhaps, the problem is that we are too connected. Instead of having that internal connection and communication with ourselves, we are so focused on what our externals are telling us to do and not following our hearts. Not pursuing the things that will make us happy, and letting other people's fears dictate how we live our lives.

I have never worked a 9-5 office job, and believe me, I never will. It's amazing to me how some people consider this as lacking hard work and dedication. Playing professional golf I spent 8-10 hours a day working on my game and my mind. I started this job, seriously, at the age of 12. Some of the things I am most grateful for golf teaching me is, how to navigate life by lessons I've learned on the course. Realizing that majority of the hard work and advancements we make in life are due to our thoughts and what we believe, vs. the time we spend putting in physical labor. If you are someone who thinks hard work is sacrifice, you are wrong, and probably not very happy. I'll tell you what hard work is...Hard work is waking up everyday and fighting the resistance you feel to live a life of conformity instead of pursuing what actually makes you happy. Fighting that voice of fear that tells you to just go get that 9-5, give up your weeks and your time to make a paycheck, it's not like this dream of yours is ever going to take off. Majority of my daily energy is spent telling that voice to FUCK OFF! Trusting is something that doesn't come easily, but if you are someone with a dream, let me tell you it's 20% action and 80% trust. Cause without that trust, you won't be seeing any action. Each time I feel tight or lost, I just trust that The Universe, God, whatever you choose to believe, has my f*cking back and let me tell you I have yet to be let down.  

When we set these crazy specific plans for how our lives are supposed to go, every time we hit a snag, we are immediately on the defense. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? Baby, maybeeee it's happening for you? Silly, for you to think you have it figured out. Instead, when we allow ourselves to go with the flow of life, enjoying the journey rather than try to rush towards a destination we are greeted by beautiful and incredible experiences. Which, sometimes even come from those times we felt the most broken and lost. 

So yes, the truth is you are going to fail. You are going to be scared. You are going to get your heartbroken. There will be times where you feel extremely LOST, but just like those beautiful unknown city streets, allow yourself to take the time to wander through life. If you feel lost, maybe the answer you're looking for can be found in losing yourself a little bit more. You might end up finding something you never even knew you were looking for.    

---

Feel The Fear, Do It Anyways...

Happy Monday, friends! What are your goals for the week? What are your goals for the remainder of the year? It's crazy to think that 2018 is nearly over. Have you taken time to reflect on everything that has changed for you this year? How about everything that has stayed the same?

Did you know, the reality is that nothing stays the same. Everything around us is constantly changing, second to second. The Universe is in constant motion. So, when you are stuck in that "comfortable" space, the one that stems from your fear of growth and fear of change, you are actually causing yourself to be left behind. So, to break it down for you...whatever it is you fear, maybe outgrowing friends, relationships, jobs, well it's bound to change and shift regardless. WITH OR WITHOUT YOU! When you're main focus is avoiding the realization of your fears, those fears make it a point to come and find you. 

Have you ever been to a haunted house? If you are like me, the idea of people dressed in scary costumes jumping out at you is absolutely terrifying. I'm that girl that screams at every corner. People ask me why I don't like going to these haunted houses and my response is this... the minute I walk into those places, the minute that first scream exits my mouth. They know, they've found their target. It always results in me getting chased through these dark hallways by someone dressed as a deformed goblin, while my friends are somewhere laughing about how it was more entertaining than terrifying. You see, instead of being a rational thinking human being and reminding myself that it's just a man in a costume, I fully feed into the fear, which in turn amplifies this terrifying experience.

Life can be a bit like a haunted house if you allow it to be. Imagine if in that house I were to turn around and tell the goblin man, "Hey, I'm not afraid of you...you're just a man in a mask."  He would probably lose interest and go find someone else to scare. While our everyday fears may not be dressed up in horrifying costumes, they still behave in the same manner. When we choose not to confront them, they are constantly lurking behind you, waiting for the right time to come in and sabotage whatever forward progression you might have. Causing you to stay stuck in the same continuous cycles that bring you pain and misery. 

Here's the thing, Fear, whatever form it may come to you in, is ALWAYS an irrational thought. Yeah, I said it. ALWAYS. You can always break down fear. Fear will never hurt you, but the way we react to it most definitely will. There is a quote from Chasing Mavericks that I absolutely love, He says, "Fear is healthy. Panic is DEADLY." You are never going to live a life free from fear, but if you learn to address that fear, you feel it. Accept it. and motherf*ckin do it anyways!  

I get terrible anxiety attacks on airplanes, which is a bit of an inconvenience because I love to travel. Now, I would never ever let fear dictate my life so I get on that plane and fully anticipate when the fear kicks in, that I know the process I must go through in order to calm myself down. 

STEP 1:

Addressing what the underlying fear might be...

Ok, fear of flying, fear of heights, fear of falling from the sky. Is it a fear of death? Well, when that time comes, that time comes. Ya know? So you can't live your whole life fearing death because then you'll never truly live. But nooo, that's not my fear when it comes to flying. It's a fear of not knowing what is happening in the cockpit when we start hitting those bumps, not having control. Fearing the unknown. Bingo! Interesting when you find that underlying fear, you can connect it to every aspect of your life. Like my fear of haunted houses, because I never know when something is going to jump out at me. Or, that fear of walking away from a job that you hate because it makes you feel safe, and you're not sure if you'll have success away from it. Or, shutting others out, because you are afraid to give up control or risk getting hurt in relationships.  It is all connected. Once you realize this, you begin to see all the ways this one big fear, hides behind all these small even more irrational fears in order to attack you and keep you from being happy. 

STEP 2:

The minute you dissect the fear and face the reality of it, you have already won the majority of the battle. By admitting this to yourself, you've stripped it of its power over you. Stared the beast in the face and realized, it's the one that is scared. Scared you are going to stop feeding into it, scared that you will no longer give it life, scared that you might go off and do something like actually moving forward in life and being happy. The horror. 

Being in Real Estate, I have to be honest. I roll my eyes when people claim to have a "Fear of Commitment". Do you know what the quickest way to get over a fear is? To just f*cking do it. If you were signing away your life for a billion years, I might stop you and say, hun, think about this for a second, mmk? But, you are buying a home, and the beauty of this is that come a year from now, if you don't like it...you can sell it. Fear of committing to a job? You have an out, you can always quit. When it comes to my Fear of The Unknown, the bravest thing I ever did was walk away from playing golf competitively, something I have been passionate about my whole life and the only thing I've really ever known to be consistent. The pressure and travel were making me miserable, but I was more afraid of that looming fear of if not this, then what? Fast forward to a year later and I make more money now playing golf than I did when I was actually competing because I'm actually f*cking HAPPY! 

To sum it all up, fear is self-created. It doesn't really exist, it only exists because in our minds we have allowed it to exist. Pull the plug. Don't wait until January 1st, 2019 to start making changes. Start now. Be Afraid. Be lost. Go forth into that unknown. Fear is healthy. But, do not give those fears the control to dictate how to live your life. I LOVE fear. You know why? Because every time I overcome something that I'm afraid of, the more I prove to myself what a badass I really am. Big or small. Own that shit. Don't let it own you. Look it in the face and just say, "Hey, I'm not scared of you, you are just some ridiculous thought that I created." Instead of wasting time trying to be fearless, go out into the world and be brave.     

---

The "Reality" of Social Media...

Lately, I've been doing a lot of reflection, looking back on where I've been. What I've accomplished. Where I'm headed. It's wild to me how in the modern age of technology and social media our lives are sort of defined by the content we put out, the amount of people we are reaching, and whether or not our voices are serving as inspiration for others. These fabrications make us feel that we are supposed to be living our lives in a certain way in order to experience happiness. 

Having come up in the age of the "Insta Golfer" I'm not naive to the ways of social media. I'm very aware of the effort that goes into building a brand and creating content. It's not easy. It's not effortless. I've always held a sort of resentment for having to sell myself to this system. When I was playing golf, trying to find sponsors, and trying to utilize every advantage I could, I learned quickly that I had no choice. Having people around helping me "Build a brand" I was constantly getting messages reminding me to post. Telling me what to post. What not to post. Telling me I'm not posting frequently enough. Telling me I'm not engaging enough. It's exhausting. 

Now, in NO way am I hating on social media. A lot of my business has come through social media, and I've been given life-changing opportunities thanks to my following. When you use it for business and as a way to create community, I think social media can be wonderful. When I log in, I honestly don't interact much because I try not to scroll. I'm human though, days where I feel low or lost, these are the days that social media can be so unhealthy. Getting wrapped up in other people’s highlight reels. Comparing yourself to something that the majority of the time is completely fabricated. I try to maintain a sense of honesty in my online presence. I try to stay true to who I am. I go through phases where the last thing I want to do is post or engage. Then other times I feel inspired and want to share my thoughts and adventures. 

I have friends who have way more of a following than I do. It's a job and they are creatively forming content, it's an effort I honestly don't care to make. What makes me feel sad, is when I meet new people and they immediately categorize me as a girl who is fake and desperate for attention. It's really not fair. Honestly, sometimes I feel like "that girl" and it makes people categorizing me in the group, that much worse. I go through weeks where I would love to delete everything and go off the grid, but the reality is a lot of my work opportunities come through social media, so at times I feel trapped by it. I try to use my platform to share my thoughts and feeling. Whether it resonates or not, oh well. I feel fulfilled when I can feel like I'm being honest and truthful to myself. 

Having my own self-awareness of the workings of social media and my relationship to it, I know a lot of the people I follow to experience the same thoughts and feelings as I do. Sometimes I get caught up looking at people's pages and seeing how amazing their feeds are and think wow they really have their shit together, and I'm aware that I may give off the same impression. Which is where you have to remind yourself, it's a highlight reel. I feel just as lost. I have days where I feel like my shit is nowhere close to being together, but a lot of it stems from comparing myself to others. It's such an unhealthy cycle, that sometimes you have to check back into reality and focus of YOU. All the things you accomplished. Even if it doesn't seem so glamorous. Chances are those photos you see, the process behind taking it was far from glamorous. trust me. 

The past few weeks I have felt such a lack of inspiration and trying to evaluate how social media has played a part in that and re-evaluating my relationship to these different platforms. In honor of sharing my truth and my thoughts, I am sharing these thoughts with you, because I know this problem is not just mine. It's an epidemic in our society and one that you need to be reminded of that affects, everyone. Whether you share frequently or not, remember to be your own biggest fan. Remember that your experiences are your own. No one else's. Be grateful of where you've been, and be proud of your own accomplishments. xx    

---

Planting the Seeds, Healing the Collective

Every time we come into the Fall season, we give ourselves an opportunity to reflect, plant our seeds for change, and grow and develop into the new year. What are you planting this fall? What ideas are you nurturing into the upcoming year? I strongly believe in the power of the seasons and the different cycles of our lives. Therefore, I believe it is so important to take the time necessary to really evaluate where we are at in our lives. What can we improve? In what areas have you grown, and in what areas can you proceed to grow? Time can be a terrible constraint and what makes it even worse is when we get stuck in cycles and continually repeat what is comfortable vs. acknowledging the steps we must take in order to grow. So, ask yourself what habits and cycles can you break today in order to bring more happiness into your life? Really challenge yourself to break old storylines and create new ones. 

All that being said, I think it’s so important to address what seems to be current collective energy in our society.  The world is currently going through a lot of changes and I believe, as individuals, by speaking our truth and healing ourselves we help heal the collective. I have no interest in getting political, but from an energetic standpoint, I really do believe this #MeToo movement has such a positive effect on healing our feminine collective. 

Two points I’d like to make here…when I say feminine, I don’t solely mean women. We all have both feminine and masculine energies. Men have feminine aspects that need to balanced, just as women have masculine qualities that can also get out of balance. As a collective, there is a huge imbalance. We are such a masculine driven society. Too much ego. Too much anger. Women instead of trying to compete with these masculine qualities, need to focus more on developing that nurturing feminine energy. Love, nurturing, sensitivity, all these feminine qualities are what is going to heal the world. As women, we are raised to believe that our emotions make us weak. We are raised in a culture where we are shamed for owning our sexuality/sensuality. Not only by men but by OTHER women! We live in such an emotionally repressed society that we’ve begun to dull all the things that make us incredibly special and loving beings and replaced them with fear and hate.

So, point number two brings me full circle and back to the main point of this post. Part of doing our self-analysis and healing ourselves is realizing where we’ve put our energies. What thoughts do we feed that are no longer serving us? When is it time to cut the cord and how do we do it? When traumatic events happen, we release insane amounts of energy, and I do believe that energy permeates. Sometimes when we feed the energy with more negativity like, fear, suppression, and anxiety we give life to this energy that can quite literally take on a life of it’s own and creates a “haunting” feeling. What I love about this whole Me Too movement is that these people are confronting something that has been haunting them. They are owning the trauma instead of allowing it to own them. By healing themselves, they heal the collective. So many more people have come forward and no longer feel shame or like they have to hide from this experience any longer. The amount of people who have been affected in some way or another is tragic to me, and honestly, we can do better as a society. Perception is personal, and if someone claims to have experienced trauma no matter how minor it is their personal experience. We can offer support and healing, instead of hate and anger. 

So, what energy monster have you created? What have you given life to that blocks you from happiness? Whether you believe it or not, we are all sensitive to energy. Depending on what you let follow you around people feel it and you can only vibrate in whatever you put out. So how can you change the vibration? 

Whether it’s career success, relationship success, or allowing more passion and happiness in your life. It’ll never flow in if you’ve created any energy force around yourself that radiates fear. Someone said to me the other day, “ Jen, you’re just a soft little sweetheart, you wish you were a badass…like me.” For starters, I’m sure you can deduce that statement came from a man. I love when people tell me their perception of me because we only see others how we see ourselves, so at that moment he showed me exactly who HE was and I immediately felt sad for that person. My response was, that you should make no mistake. I am soft, I am emotional, but I am a fucking badass. My response to anyone, who says to careless, feel less, be tougher is exactly that. Those feelings and emotions that other people are too afraid to feel, I confront, feel them fully, handle them, and express myself without fear. If you don’t think that’s badass, then try to do the same and let me know how terrified you are of a little bit of feelings. 

There is so much stigma around feeling too much that it strips us of our power. We create so many irrational fears that hinder us throughout our lives. It’s easier to hide those fears in some dark corner in our mind and let it manifest into some dark cloud looming above us, instead of confronting it, feeling it, and then RELEASING IT. People who own their emotions are so easily cast aside because the reality is they reflect back to others all the fears they are unwilling to confront themselves. 

Moral of the story is that times are changing. Things that were once suppressed are coming to light. Do you want to grow? Or, do you want to be stuck in an old cycle? If you think we came to this life to be robotic, unfeeling creatures…you are wrong. We came to feel, to have experiences. Sometimes that means we have to confront pain, but that's what brings moments of extreme joy. So, if you have no seeds to plant this fall, here’s your homework. Stop suppressing. Stop fearing. And just challenge yourself to actually start living. 
   

---

My Year Around The Sun

Wow, what a year! 

Last month I was so down because I had thought to myself that this year, in comparison to all the others was one of the slowest most uneventful times of my life. Having thrown in the towel last September for competing in tournaments and trying to pursue a career on the LPGA, my main goal was to find stability in my life. My relationship with golf was so toxic and as much as I enjoyed the excitement that came with along with the lifestyle, I was mentally worn down. Golf is first and foremost, the first and greatest love of my life, it taught me things that I don't think I could have learned so quickly in life, it brought me some of the happiest moments, taught me how to deal with heartbreak, took me to incredible places, and introduced me to some of the most amazing people. Making the decision to shift my focus was one of the hardest choices I've ever had to make, but as with many things in life, sometimes doors close so others can open. Some chapters end so that new ones can begin. 

This time last year, I was a mess. My life was like an emotional rollercoaster. The one part of my life that was constant for me had completely changed. If I wasn't a golfer, who was I? 

Through out my career/life, I always struggled with incredibly heartbreaking lows. I never minded traveling by myself or being on my own, but the times that awful feeling of loneliness would creep in was when I felt like nobody was capable of understanding me. Nobody was ever going to be capable of feeling that pain that I feel, sure you can relate but when it comes to actually feel, we are all alone. These were the mental battles I was confronted with, and wondering do people even think on that deep of a level? In all the time of feeling completely misunderstood by society, I realized the reality was that I just didn't understand myself. 

We grow up being told that we need to behave a certain way to function in society. Take certain steps in order to be successful. We're taught to play games or hide our true nature when it comes to relationships because we are trained to think that some things just aren't going to be accepted by other people. I do believe there are people in this world who are built that way. They use logic and reason. These people are incredible and I greatly appreciate them, because it's necessary that we have people like that in this world. I think my struggle has been in comparing myself to these people. Feeling like I'm not normal. Feeling like I'm unstable. 

The reality is, that just like there are people who are built to be logical and action-driven, there are also people in the world who are feelers. Deep, intuitive, emotional humans. I've written before about how in my journey of learning to control my emotions, the only true victory came from releasing the control altogether and allowing myself to feel. I feel everything. Music. Words. Things that I see. Everything. There was a time when I felt so alone, feeling all these incredible things and realizing not everyone feels things in their core like I do. When I started shifting this feeling of loneliness into realizing that this is actually an incredible gift. My feelings of disconnect transformed into an abundant feeling of oneness with everything around me. I began to absorb these moments, these feelings, and use it to bring more love and passion into my life. 

The truth is everyone is capable of feeling things on a soul level. The sadder truth is that not everyone allows themselves to do so. I've really opened my eyes up to the fact that sometimes when we are out chasing love in form of other people, winning tournaments, chasing success, or adoration we miss out on all the love that is available right at our fingertips. Imagine the passion that went into that music you hear. The energy and emotion. Feel it. Absorb it. That is love. that is energy. It's source. The more I've learned to embrace my ability to feel, good and bad, the more I have opened my heart up to be divinely inspired and allowed myself to be guided to my true soul's purpose.

So, no, on paper this year wasn't as action-packed as my previous years, but what I did do was finally build a foundation for myself that I had put off for so long. I found the stability within myself that I so desperately desired. It didn't come from routine or staying in one place, it came from embracing all the things about myself I perceived as instability. Realizing that sometimes the weaknesses we fight so hard to push away are actually what makes us superhuman.

So if you ask me today how I feel looking back on 26, I would have to say it's been the best year to date. I learned a lot about love, a lot about myself, and most importantly a lot about loving myself. I call that a win. My hope for 27, is to keep climbing and continuing to learn from the world and people around me and that in turn, I can help others to not feel alone or misunderstood. The more and more we awaken ourselves to all the passion and creativity that is in this world, the more we can heal as a collective and create a world full of love <3     

---