My Year Around The Sun
Wow, what a year!
Last month I was so down because I had thought to myself that this year, in comparison to all the others was one of the slowest most uneventful times of my life. Having thrown in the towel last September for competing in tournaments and trying to pursue a career on the LPGA, my main goal was to find stability in my life. My relationship with golf was so toxic and as much as I enjoyed the excitement that came with along with the lifestyle, I was mentally worn down. Golf is first and foremost, the first and greatest love of my life, it taught me things that I don't think I could have learned so quickly in life, it brought me some of the happiest moments, taught me how to deal with heartbreak, took me to incredible places, and introduced me to some of the most amazing people. Making the decision to shift my focus was one of the hardest choices I've ever had to make, but as with many things in life, sometimes doors close so others can open. Some chapters end so that new ones can begin.
This time last year, I was a mess. My life was like an emotional rollercoaster. The one part of my life that was constant for me had completely changed. If I wasn't a golfer, who was I?
Through out my career/life, I always struggled with incredibly heartbreaking lows. I never minded traveling by myself or being on my own, but the times that awful feeling of loneliness would creep in was when I felt like nobody was capable of understanding me. Nobody was ever going to be capable of feeling that pain that I feel, sure you can relate but when it comes to actually feel, we are all alone. These were the mental battles I was confronted with, and wondering do people even think on that deep of a level? In all the time of feeling completely misunderstood by society, I realized the reality was that I just didn't understand myself.
We grow up being told that we need to behave a certain way to function in society. Take certain steps in order to be successful. We're taught to play games or hide our true nature when it comes to relationships because we are trained to think that some things just aren't going to be accepted by other people. I do believe there are people in this world who are built that way. They use logic and reason. These people are incredible and I greatly appreciate them, because it's necessary that we have people like that in this world. I think my struggle has been in comparing myself to these people. Feeling like I'm not normal. Feeling like I'm unstable.
The reality is, that just like there are people who are built to be logical and action-driven, there are also people in the world who are feelers. Deep, intuitive, emotional humans. I've written before about how in my journey of learning to control my emotions, the only true victory came from releasing the control altogether and allowing myself to feel. I feel everything. Music. Words. Things that I see. Everything. There was a time when I felt so alone, feeling all these incredible things and realizing not everyone feels things in their core like I do. When I started shifting this feeling of loneliness into realizing that this is actually an incredible gift. My feelings of disconnect transformed into an abundant feeling of oneness with everything around me. I began to absorb these moments, these feelings, and use it to bring more love and passion into my life.
The truth is everyone is capable of feeling things on a soul level. The sadder truth is that not everyone allows themselves to do so. I've really opened my eyes up to the fact that sometimes when we are out chasing love in form of other people, winning tournaments, chasing success, or adoration we miss out on all the love that is available right at our fingertips. Imagine the passion that went into that music you hear. The energy and emotion. Feel it. Absorb it. That is love. that is energy. It's source. The more I've learned to embrace my ability to feel, good and bad, the more I have opened my heart up to be divinely inspired and allowed myself to be guided to my true soul's purpose.
So, no, on paper this year wasn't as action-packed as my previous years, but what I did do was finally build a foundation for myself that I had put off for so long. I found the stability within myself that I so desperately desired. It didn't come from routine or staying in one place, it came from embracing all the things about myself I perceived as instability. Realizing that sometimes the weaknesses we fight so hard to push away are actually what makes us superhuman.
So if you ask me today how I feel looking back on 26, I would have to say it's been the best year to date. I learned a lot about love, a lot about myself, and most importantly a lot about loving myself. I call that a win. My hope for 27, is to keep climbing and continuing to learn from the world and people around me and that in turn, I can help others to not feel alone or misunderstood. The more and more we awaken ourselves to all the passion and creativity that is in this world, the more we can heal as a collective and create a world full of love <3
