Feel The Fear, Do It Anyways...

Happy Monday, friends! What are your goals for the week? What are your goals for the remainder of the year? It's crazy to think that 2018 is nearly over. Have you taken time to reflect on everything that has changed for you this year? How about everything that has stayed the same?

Did you know, the reality is that nothing stays the same. Everything around us is constantly changing, second to second. The Universe is in constant motion. So, when you are stuck in that "comfortable" space, the one that stems from your fear of growth and fear of change, you are actually causing yourself to be left behind. So, to break it down for you...whatever it is you fear, maybe outgrowing friends, relationships, jobs, well it's bound to change and shift regardless. WITH OR WITHOUT YOU! When you're main focus is avoiding the realization of your fears, those fears make it a point to come and find you. 

Have you ever been to a haunted house? If you are like me, the idea of people dressed in scary costumes jumping out at you is absolutely terrifying. I'm that girl that screams at every corner. People ask me why I don't like going to these haunted houses and my response is this... the minute I walk into those places, the minute that first scream exits my mouth. They know, they've found their target. It always results in me getting chased through these dark hallways by someone dressed as a deformed goblin, while my friends are somewhere laughing about how it was more entertaining than terrifying. You see, instead of being a rational thinking human being and reminding myself that it's just a man in a costume, I fully feed into the fear, which in turn amplifies this terrifying experience.

Life can be a bit like a haunted house if you allow it to be. Imagine if in that house I were to turn around and tell the goblin man, "Hey, I'm not afraid of you...you're just a man in a mask."  He would probably lose interest and go find someone else to scare. While our everyday fears may not be dressed up in horrifying costumes, they still behave in the same manner. When we choose not to confront them, they are constantly lurking behind you, waiting for the right time to come in and sabotage whatever forward progression you might have. Causing you to stay stuck in the same continuous cycles that bring you pain and misery. 

Here's the thing, Fear, whatever form it may come to you in, is ALWAYS an irrational thought. Yeah, I said it. ALWAYS. You can always break down fear. Fear will never hurt you, but the way we react to it most definitely will. There is a quote from Chasing Mavericks that I absolutely love, He says, "Fear is healthy. Panic is DEADLY." You are never going to live a life free from fear, but if you learn to address that fear, you feel it. Accept it. and motherf*ckin do it anyways!  

I get terrible anxiety attacks on airplanes, which is a bit of an inconvenience because I love to travel. Now, I would never ever let fear dictate my life so I get on that plane and fully anticipate when the fear kicks in, that I know the process I must go through in order to calm myself down. 

STEP 1:

Addressing what the underlying fear might be...

Ok, fear of flying, fear of heights, fear of falling from the sky. Is it a fear of death? Well, when that time comes, that time comes. Ya know? So you can't live your whole life fearing death because then you'll never truly live. But nooo, that's not my fear when it comes to flying. It's a fear of not knowing what is happening in the cockpit when we start hitting those bumps, not having control. Fearing the unknown. Bingo! Interesting when you find that underlying fear, you can connect it to every aspect of your life. Like my fear of haunted houses, because I never know when something is going to jump out at me. Or, that fear of walking away from a job that you hate because it makes you feel safe, and you're not sure if you'll have success away from it. Or, shutting others out, because you are afraid to give up control or risk getting hurt in relationships.  It is all connected. Once you realize this, you begin to see all the ways this one big fear, hides behind all these small even more irrational fears in order to attack you and keep you from being happy. 

STEP 2:

The minute you dissect the fear and face the reality of it, you have already won the majority of the battle. By admitting this to yourself, you've stripped it of its power over you. Stared the beast in the face and realized, it's the one that is scared. Scared you are going to stop feeding into it, scared that you will no longer give it life, scared that you might go off and do something like actually moving forward in life and being happy. The horror. 

Being in Real Estate, I have to be honest. I roll my eyes when people claim to have a "Fear of Commitment". Do you know what the quickest way to get over a fear is? To just f*cking do it. If you were signing away your life for a billion years, I might stop you and say, hun, think about this for a second, mmk? But, you are buying a home, and the beauty of this is that come a year from now, if you don't like it...you can sell it. Fear of committing to a job? You have an out, you can always quit. When it comes to my Fear of The Unknown, the bravest thing I ever did was walk away from playing golf competitively, something I have been passionate about my whole life and the only thing I've really ever known to be consistent. The pressure and travel were making me miserable, but I was more afraid of that looming fear of if not this, then what? Fast forward to a year later and I make more money now playing golf than I did when I was actually competing because I'm actually f*cking HAPPY! 

To sum it all up, fear is self-created. It doesn't really exist, it only exists because in our minds we have allowed it to exist. Pull the plug. Don't wait until January 1st, 2019 to start making changes. Start now. Be Afraid. Be lost. Go forth into that unknown. Fear is healthy. But, do not give those fears the control to dictate how to live your life. I LOVE fear. You know why? Because every time I overcome something that I'm afraid of, the more I prove to myself what a badass I really am. Big or small. Own that shit. Don't let it own you. Look it in the face and just say, "Hey, I'm not scared of you, you are just some ridiculous thought that I created." Instead of wasting time trying to be fearless, go out into the world and be brave.     

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The "Reality" of Social Media...

Lately, I've been doing a lot of reflection, looking back on where I've been. What I've accomplished. Where I'm headed. It's wild to me how in the modern age of technology and social media our lives are sort of defined by the content we put out, the amount of people we are reaching, and whether or not our voices are serving as inspiration for others. These fabrications make us feel that we are supposed to be living our lives in a certain way in order to experience happiness. 

Having come up in the age of the "Insta Golfer" I'm not naive to the ways of social media. I'm very aware of the effort that goes into building a brand and creating content. It's not easy. It's not effortless. I've always held a sort of resentment for having to sell myself to this system. When I was playing golf, trying to find sponsors, and trying to utilize every advantage I could, I learned quickly that I had no choice. Having people around helping me "Build a brand" I was constantly getting messages reminding me to post. Telling me what to post. What not to post. Telling me I'm not posting frequently enough. Telling me I'm not engaging enough. It's exhausting. 

Now, in NO way am I hating on social media. A lot of my business has come through social media, and I've been given life-changing opportunities thanks to my following. When you use it for business and as a way to create community, I think social media can be wonderful. When I log in, I honestly don't interact much because I try not to scroll. I'm human though, days where I feel low or lost, these are the days that social media can be so unhealthy. Getting wrapped up in other people’s highlight reels. Comparing yourself to something that the majority of the time is completely fabricated. I try to maintain a sense of honesty in my online presence. I try to stay true to who I am. I go through phases where the last thing I want to do is post or engage. Then other times I feel inspired and want to share my thoughts and adventures. 

I have friends who have way more of a following than I do. It's a job and they are creatively forming content, it's an effort I honestly don't care to make. What makes me feel sad, is when I meet new people and they immediately categorize me as a girl who is fake and desperate for attention. It's really not fair. Honestly, sometimes I feel like "that girl" and it makes people categorizing me in the group, that much worse. I go through weeks where I would love to delete everything and go off the grid, but the reality is a lot of my work opportunities come through social media, so at times I feel trapped by it. I try to use my platform to share my thoughts and feeling. Whether it resonates or not, oh well. I feel fulfilled when I can feel like I'm being honest and truthful to myself. 

Having my own self-awareness of the workings of social media and my relationship to it, I know a lot of the people I follow to experience the same thoughts and feelings as I do. Sometimes I get caught up looking at people's pages and seeing how amazing their feeds are and think wow they really have their shit together, and I'm aware that I may give off the same impression. Which is where you have to remind yourself, it's a highlight reel. I feel just as lost. I have days where I feel like my shit is nowhere close to being together, but a lot of it stems from comparing myself to others. It's such an unhealthy cycle, that sometimes you have to check back into reality and focus of YOU. All the things you accomplished. Even if it doesn't seem so glamorous. Chances are those photos you see, the process behind taking it was far from glamorous. trust me. 

The past few weeks I have felt such a lack of inspiration and trying to evaluate how social media has played a part in that and re-evaluating my relationship to these different platforms. In honor of sharing my truth and my thoughts, I am sharing these thoughts with you, because I know this problem is not just mine. It's an epidemic in our society and one that you need to be reminded of that affects, everyone. Whether you share frequently or not, remember to be your own biggest fan. Remember that your experiences are your own. No one else's. Be grateful of where you've been, and be proud of your own accomplishments. xx    

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Night of The Living Exes

It's that time of the year, boys and girls. The zombies are coming out of the ground. Ghosts are coming back to do their usual hauntings. It's terrifying, really. All my girls know what I'm talking about. Guys, maybe you can relate? It's that window of time that anyone you've ever had any sort of relationship or communication with comes out of the damn woodwork. It starts with one and then becomes a chain reaction.

This month has been nothing short of horrific for me. It starts with a few, "How you been?" texts, maybe some sliding into the DM's. Innocent stuff. I'm usually bored, and pretty friendly, so I entertain. One morning I woke up to find a cockroach in my apartment, and being my spiritually attuned self, I thought, Oooo that is not a Good Omen. 

In Latin culture, when your past relationships come back to haunt you, you call them cockroaches. Here's where things get scary. When one shows up knocking on your door, and then you find out another moved in next door to you...I realized I had a very bad infestation problem.

I'm out here trying to live MY BEST LIFE, and I realize I have all this energy around me blocking me from moving TF on with my life. So, in true Jen fashion I thought, how might I be the cause of this? Well for starters. You can't let one cockroach in without expecting others to follow. 

When this batch rolls in, there are always some I am happy to see made their way back. I put energy into thinking THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT. Then guess what? THEY HAVEN'T CHANGED. It's a movie you've watched over and over. You know the ending but yet somehow you are still surprised. It's a terrible loop. Then I have others sending me texts and messages that I think hmm what's the harm in chatting. Until the conversation shifts to them thinking they have some sort of claim on me because they've liked me for so long, or they've waited for so long. Then I get mad. 

You see, at some point or another. These people had their opportunities and didn't take them.  While it's always an ego boost to see someone come back saying "They've made a horrible mistake". Yeah, ya did. It also opens up that door to the dead, and honestly, that door should be left closed. 

I realized this. Me holding on and keeping the door cracked for these roaches to get in is just a reflection of my fear of the unknown. It's so much easier for me to go watch that movie over and over again than to find a new one that I don't know the ending to. It's easier to control and entertain, that which we know or have known than to actually move forward with our lives into what we've never known. But why? By trusting in what's ahead of us, vs constantly looking back we give ourselves the opportunity to manifest something truly spectacular into our lives. Beyond our imagination. 

My wake up call literally came knocking on my door, for me to realize it's time to Raid all you motherf*ers. Sometimes in order to feel safe and protected we anchor ourselves to the past, and by anchoring, we give people the opportunity to weigh us down. You have the power to pull up that anchor. You have the power to cut that cord. Sometimes, you have to stand in your power and decide it's time to set sail, and anyone who missed the boat probably didn't deserve to be on board anyway.    

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Planting the Seeds, Healing the Collective

Every time we come into the Fall season, we give ourselves an opportunity to reflect, plant our seeds for change, and grow and develop into the new year. What are you planting this fall? What ideas are you nurturing into the upcoming year? I strongly believe in the power of the seasons and the different cycles of our lives. Therefore, I believe it is so important to take the time necessary to really evaluate where we are at in our lives. What can we improve? In what areas have you grown, and in what areas can you proceed to grow? Time can be a terrible constraint and what makes it even worse is when we get stuck in cycles and continually repeat what is comfortable vs. acknowledging the steps we must take in order to grow. So, ask yourself what habits and cycles can you break today in order to bring more happiness into your life? Really challenge yourself to break old storylines and create new ones. 

All that being said, I think it’s so important to address what seems to be current collective energy in our society.  The world is currently going through a lot of changes and I believe, as individuals, by speaking our truth and healing ourselves we help heal the collective. I have no interest in getting political, but from an energetic standpoint, I really do believe this #MeToo movement has such a positive effect on healing our feminine collective. 

Two points I’d like to make here…when I say feminine, I don’t solely mean women. We all have both feminine and masculine energies. Men have feminine aspects that need to balanced, just as women have masculine qualities that can also get out of balance. As a collective, there is a huge imbalance. We are such a masculine driven society. Too much ego. Too much anger. Women instead of trying to compete with these masculine qualities, need to focus more on developing that nurturing feminine energy. Love, nurturing, sensitivity, all these feminine qualities are what is going to heal the world. As women, we are raised to believe that our emotions make us weak. We are raised in a culture where we are shamed for owning our sexuality/sensuality. Not only by men but by OTHER women! We live in such an emotionally repressed society that we’ve begun to dull all the things that make us incredibly special and loving beings and replaced them with fear and hate.

So, point number two brings me full circle and back to the main point of this post. Part of doing our self-analysis and healing ourselves is realizing where we’ve put our energies. What thoughts do we feed that are no longer serving us? When is it time to cut the cord and how do we do it? When traumatic events happen, we release insane amounts of energy, and I do believe that energy permeates. Sometimes when we feed the energy with more negativity like, fear, suppression, and anxiety we give life to this energy that can quite literally take on a life of it’s own and creates a “haunting” feeling. What I love about this whole Me Too movement is that these people are confronting something that has been haunting them. They are owning the trauma instead of allowing it to own them. By healing themselves, they heal the collective. So many more people have come forward and no longer feel shame or like they have to hide from this experience any longer. The amount of people who have been affected in some way or another is tragic to me, and honestly, we can do better as a society. Perception is personal, and if someone claims to have experienced trauma no matter how minor it is their personal experience. We can offer support and healing, instead of hate and anger. 

So, what energy monster have you created? What have you given life to that blocks you from happiness? Whether you believe it or not, we are all sensitive to energy. Depending on what you let follow you around people feel it and you can only vibrate in whatever you put out. So how can you change the vibration? 

Whether it’s career success, relationship success, or allowing more passion and happiness in your life. It’ll never flow in if you’ve created any energy force around yourself that radiates fear. Someone said to me the other day, “ Jen, you’re just a soft little sweetheart, you wish you were a badass…like me.” For starters, I’m sure you can deduce that statement came from a man. I love when people tell me their perception of me because we only see others how we see ourselves, so at that moment he showed me exactly who HE was and I immediately felt sad for that person. My response was, that you should make no mistake. I am soft, I am emotional, but I am a fucking badass. My response to anyone, who says to careless, feel less, be tougher is exactly that. Those feelings and emotions that other people are too afraid to feel, I confront, feel them fully, handle them, and express myself without fear. If you don’t think that’s badass, then try to do the same and let me know how terrified you are of a little bit of feelings. 

There is so much stigma around feeling too much that it strips us of our power. We create so many irrational fears that hinder us throughout our lives. It’s easier to hide those fears in some dark corner in our mind and let it manifest into some dark cloud looming above us, instead of confronting it, feeling it, and then RELEASING IT. People who own their emotions are so easily cast aside because the reality is they reflect back to others all the fears they are unwilling to confront themselves. 

Moral of the story is that times are changing. Things that were once suppressed are coming to light. Do you want to grow? Or, do you want to be stuck in an old cycle? If you think we came to this life to be robotic, unfeeling creatures…you are wrong. We came to feel, to have experiences. Sometimes that means we have to confront pain, but that's what brings moments of extreme joy. So, if you have no seeds to plant this fall, here’s your homework. Stop suppressing. Stop fearing. And just challenge yourself to actually start living. 
   

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My Year Around The Sun

Wow, what a year! 

Last month I was so down because I had thought to myself that this year, in comparison to all the others was one of the slowest most uneventful times of my life. Having thrown in the towel last September for competing in tournaments and trying to pursue a career on the LPGA, my main goal was to find stability in my life. My relationship with golf was so toxic and as much as I enjoyed the excitement that came with along with the lifestyle, I was mentally worn down. Golf is first and foremost, the first and greatest love of my life, it taught me things that I don't think I could have learned so quickly in life, it brought me some of the happiest moments, taught me how to deal with heartbreak, took me to incredible places, and introduced me to some of the most amazing people. Making the decision to shift my focus was one of the hardest choices I've ever had to make, but as with many things in life, sometimes doors close so others can open. Some chapters end so that new ones can begin. 

This time last year, I was a mess. My life was like an emotional rollercoaster. The one part of my life that was constant for me had completely changed. If I wasn't a golfer, who was I? 

Through out my career/life, I always struggled with incredibly heartbreaking lows. I never minded traveling by myself or being on my own, but the times that awful feeling of loneliness would creep in was when I felt like nobody was capable of understanding me. Nobody was ever going to be capable of feeling that pain that I feel, sure you can relate but when it comes to actually feel, we are all alone. These were the mental battles I was confronted with, and wondering do people even think on that deep of a level? In all the time of feeling completely misunderstood by society, I realized the reality was that I just didn't understand myself. 

We grow up being told that we need to behave a certain way to function in society. Take certain steps in order to be successful. We're taught to play games or hide our true nature when it comes to relationships because we are trained to think that some things just aren't going to be accepted by other people. I do believe there are people in this world who are built that way. They use logic and reason. These people are incredible and I greatly appreciate them, because it's necessary that we have people like that in this world. I think my struggle has been in comparing myself to these people. Feeling like I'm not normal. Feeling like I'm unstable. 

The reality is, that just like there are people who are built to be logical and action-driven, there are also people in the world who are feelers. Deep, intuitive, emotional humans. I've written before about how in my journey of learning to control my emotions, the only true victory came from releasing the control altogether and allowing myself to feel. I feel everything. Music. Words. Things that I see. Everything. There was a time when I felt so alone, feeling all these incredible things and realizing not everyone feels things in their core like I do. When I started shifting this feeling of loneliness into realizing that this is actually an incredible gift. My feelings of disconnect transformed into an abundant feeling of oneness with everything around me. I began to absorb these moments, these feelings, and use it to bring more love and passion into my life. 

The truth is everyone is capable of feeling things on a soul level. The sadder truth is that not everyone allows themselves to do so. I've really opened my eyes up to the fact that sometimes when we are out chasing love in form of other people, winning tournaments, chasing success, or adoration we miss out on all the love that is available right at our fingertips. Imagine the passion that went into that music you hear. The energy and emotion. Feel it. Absorb it. That is love. that is energy. It's source. The more I've learned to embrace my ability to feel, good and bad, the more I have opened my heart up to be divinely inspired and allowed myself to be guided to my true soul's purpose.

So, no, on paper this year wasn't as action-packed as my previous years, but what I did do was finally build a foundation for myself that I had put off for so long. I found the stability within myself that I so desperately desired. It didn't come from routine or staying in one place, it came from embracing all the things about myself I perceived as instability. Realizing that sometimes the weaknesses we fight so hard to push away are actually what makes us superhuman.

So if you ask me today how I feel looking back on 26, I would have to say it's been the best year to date. I learned a lot about love, a lot about myself, and most importantly a lot about loving myself. I call that a win. My hope for 27, is to keep climbing and continuing to learn from the world and people around me and that in turn, I can help others to not feel alone or misunderstood. The more and more we awaken ourselves to all the passion and creativity that is in this world, the more we can heal as a collective and create a world full of love <3     

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Warning: May Cause Triggers (And Healing)

Imagine a world that is completely reflected by how you feel inside. Your day-to-day thoughts and feelings projected outwards. Your beliefs manifested into a reality. What does your world look like? How does it differ from the world you live in now? What would you change if you could? 

Sit down and ask yourself these questions. If you answered that your world isn't a projection of what you'd like to see well I have someone for you to blame (because I know that's what you are looking for) and well, the person to blame for all your unhappiness and perceived failures is...YOU! Oh, I'm sorry...is that not what you wanted to hear? Too bad. If you don't agree with this statement and you're still making excuses like, "well, my boss is terrible", "that other person just has it way easier than me.", "Bad parenting made me this way" or "Life just isn't fair." Then you should probably go ahead and unsubscribe IMMEDIATELY. Exit out of this page and continue blaming everyone else for why your life is not how you want it to be and guess what...I can almost guarantee life will not change for you. Now, If you are ready to take ownership of yourself and your actions then by all means continue reading. You my friend, have made the first step to recovery. 

We can come up with so many excuses as to why the world is not working out in our favor. It's so easy, and most times way more comforting to put the blame on someone else than hold up the mirror to ourselves. As per my last post, it seems like something is in the air, because lately, I've been feeling triggers left and right. Old wounds that need healing. Thank God for all these triggers popping up, because it's helping me address things I still need to resolve and ultimately helping me purge and release those negative emotions. My first step in healing is that I have stopped looking at these "trigger" moments as a weakness and started seeing the positive and really directing, why do I continue to be confronted with this? What can I (EMPHASIS ON THE I!!!!!) do to heal it? 

Within ten minutes of speaking with someone, I can normally pinpoint what is going on inside of that person. The things we focus on, the things we talk about, the emotions we project. They are all reflections of how we feel inside. Point. Blank. Don't argue with me on this. Please and thank you. Oh does your boss treat you like shit? Well, why do you accept to be treated like shit? Is it cause of money? Well, then ya better suck it up and take it booboo, otherwise do something about it. Are the men/women in your life taking advantage of you, walking all over you? Ask yourself this...Are you allowing it to happen?? If you are then sorry hun, but it ain't their fault...it's yours! Imagine being offered this, "Well I can give you this luxury spa session for free, or you can choose to pay 200 dollars for it. You decide." Um...? Do I need to even explain that one to you? If you aren't being respected. It's because you don't demand to be respected. Prioritize what is important to you and stick to it! "Oh, but then what if they don't like me?" 

You know what my answer is to that?

Who gives a f*ck! Not me...that's who.

Ok, honestly sometimes I do, but then I remind myself that at the end of the day not everyone is going to like me. All that really matters is that I like me and sometimes when I allow myself to be treated less than...it makes me not like me so much. Do you like you? Ask yourself that seriously and when you can honestly answer that with a yes, then you'll stop caring about how others perceive you or running around worried if people are "talking about you". First of all, get over yourself. Really, people kinda don't care. Eeks. Harsh right? The reality is people are so focused on their own sh*t that they don't care about yours.

The reality is, I make mistakes. I do mess up stuff sometimes. Say mean things. Get angry. But, I take into consideration all the ways I may have brought this fate upon myself and then I FORGIVE myself. "It's ok, you crazy little b*tch. We're going to work and get through this. It's going to be OK". Sometimes you got to have conversations with yourself in order to heal. Love yourself. If you choose to hate yourself, then you are going to bring more people into your life that are gonna reflect back to you all those qualities you hate about yourself. If you are hate-reading this, hoping my life is hell. I've got news for you....I've forgiven myself. I've let it go. So anything YOU choose to hold on to is YOUR problem. Hate is such wasted energy, (even the word itself makes me feel gross) whether your hating another person or hating yourself. When we shift our negative emotions towards other people, it's not that person you feel negatively towards...it's actually yourself. Otherwise, you wouldn't fill yourself with such ugly energy. Just let it go, pumpkin. Let it goooo!   

So, imagine a world where you love and nurture yourself. What does that look like on the outside? What kind of people does that bring into your life? One of my biggest learnings and shifts was understanding how to be tolerant of other people. Just like me, people have flaws. But here is the thing. Those flaws are only magnified to me because they trigger something inside of MYSELF that needs healing. This is the one time it's acceptable to sit around and say, "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!!" Instead of sitting around focusing on everything you don't like about someone, ask yourself "Why don't you like that characteristic?" Does is make you feel less than? Then why do you continuously put yourself in scenarios that make you feel that way? Think about your relationships. Are you with someone that loves you on your good days and then on bad days is constantly reminding you of all the things you need to fix about yourself? Chances are you are attracting that into your life because you yourself don't like those qualities. You'll never attract someone who loves and accepts all of you if you don't accept all of you. Chances are you have already encountered numerous people who are willing to do so but repel them because God forbid someone loves those nasty traits you dislike so much about yourself. Get it?

The truth is, you don't have to imagine a world where our insides reflect our outside because that is the REALITY. I'm very aware that the tone and topic of this post are going to trigger a lot of people, but sometimes you got to give tough love. To yourself. Every self-limiting belief we have manifests its way into reality. Thoughts are so powerful. So is emotion. When we attach the right emotions to our thoughts we can create and attract incredible things into our lives. If you create an idea that you are lacking, the universe is going to present you with more lack. If you live in a world of abundance of constant gratitude, towards yourself and others the Universe will give you more of the same. You decide. You are the creator of your life. All you have to do is believe it. 

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Working Through Triggers

I woke up feeling so full of energy this morning, like a surge of inspiration, happiness, and overall love for life. I'm rejoicing at this and trying to absorb/take advantage of today's positivity because I have to admit this past week has been rough! I can't say anything significant occurred, it just felt like an overall heaviness. My heart chakra felt completely blocked, just about everything was triggering me, and I felt this sense of numbness. Maybe it was a collective energy, maybe I'm not the only one who struggled this past week, but I pretty much chose to accept it. I cried I had breakdowns, I reacted to others. Whatever I felt like doing. I did. Then I forgave myself because I knew that eventually, this energy was going to pass, and voilà, here we are. I like to compare it to having a cold. When you're sick the best thing to do is to let it run its course. It's like your body is crying out for some rest, and when you fight it you end up overexerting your energy and then that cold turns into the flu and ends up lasting much longer than you anticipated. I have learned that the same goes towards emotional health. When we fight so hard to trick or distract ourselves from that which we are feeling, we prolong the process it takes to actually resolve it. As always, in moments of darkness, I feel there is always much that comes to light. So much to learn from. Which is why this week I'm sharing with you, how I have learned to cope with times when I feeling down.

Prioritize Yourself

Personally, when I find myself in these lows, I become veryyy selective about who I choose to spend time with. I consider myself to be very sensitive to the energy of others and I am aware of how powerful my own energy can be felt. Most of the time, I'll retreat to hermit mode and choose to be alone for days or even, at times, weeks. You can imagine, I get tons of shit for doing this or people trying to insult me by saying, "I live in my own world". Well, it's true. I do live in my own world, therefore I need to constantly protect and put myself first, but trust me I'm doing others a favor as well by not forcing people to deal with my yucky energy. You're welcome. The truth is I'm not perfect. None of us are. When we find ourselves in these lows, it's sooo easy to be triggered. It's so easy to have reactions based on our own projections of self and sometimes when we feel low we don't have the strength to overcome these feelings. That's ok. I've learned to just take note of these insecurities and keep working on finding the root cause as to why you feel triggered by certain things. While it's important to be aware of what causes these triggers, it's also important to know it's ok to choose not to be around certain people who constantly bring out the worst in you. Protect yourself first. Sometimes certain people don't blend. This is also, OK. 

FEEL IT

Back in my college days, I would go through some pretty serious lows. My solution was self-medication. I was most definitely a functioning alcoholic and depending on what mood I was looking for would determine my substance of choice. At some point, I woke up and realized that it was not ok to constantly be altering my state of consciousness. Granted, I'm sure many of you are thinking, (well that's what you do in college), and sadly for a lot of people it doesn't just stop after college, it only creates the habit. By my third year of school, I realized I didn't want to be dependent on something else to make me feel like "myself". At first, I would be extremely anxious and uncomfortable in social settings and went through a phase where I had terrible social anxiety. I had to learn on my own how to overcome these anxieties and trust me it has taken a very long time, and I still have days where that anxiety creeps in. What I've learned is that there are days where I am extremely social. I love to be around people and I love my wine or drink at a bar. Then there are those days where the last thing I want to do is be out at a bar or surrounded by people, these are the days that I trust my instincts and stay at home. I don't force myself by saying "Well, let me just get really drunk, and then I'll have fun" No. That's the worst thing you can do. Trust me. We all have our vices. Whether it's drugs, alcohol, or food. Your brain has a common goal, to fill that emotional void inside of you. Unfortunately, these quick fixes don't actually work and sometimes you just gotta go through it to get through it. Know what I'm saying?

Finding Healthier Substitutions

Alcohol and drugs have not been my vice for a very long time. Nooo. When I am feeling sad or triggered I would much rather sit at home, watch tv, and eat a whole bag of popcorn. Then I'll wake up the next day and be so upset with myself, and so begins the self-sabotaging cycle. Fat Bastard got it right when he said, "I'm unhappy cause I'm fat, and I'm fat because I'm unhappy." I am extremely aware that when I get into those cycles, I only perpetuate my anxiety. It's another distraction and not a healthy one. It wasn't until recently that I realized, I mean that it really CLICKED that I'm the one in control. Every time I feel like crap it's because I've let myself get to that point. Every time I've self-sabotaged myself by gaining weight I worked so hard to lose, or making a fool of myself because I was "blackout drunk", that's all on me. When we take ownership and control of our lives we are no longer controlled by our externals. This past week I had so many moments that I felt so triggered, my instinct was to do what I always do, commence self-destruct mode. BUT something inside me said, f*ck no. Something inside me felt empty and instead of trying to fill it with shit, I decided to fill it with some good stuff. Last week I made the effort to show up to more yoga classes, be in nature, read more. While doing all these things I just really focused on absorbing the energy, feeling the poses, getting lost in my imagination. 

It's important to remind yourself to fight through destructive behaviors and really work on breaking bad habits and cycles. It's ok to feel like shit sometimes, but take notice of what you are feeding yourself energetically in these moments...more shit? Or are you feeding yourself love and compassion? Sometimes the battle might seem the hardest when the victory is at its closest. You just have to learn to believe in yourself and trust that you are truly strong enough to get through even the most difficult of times. <3

-J

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To All The Boys I've Hurt Before...

At the risk of seeming completely basic, it's hard not to be all-in on the newest Netflix movie hype, "To All The Boys I've Loved Before". I gotta say, it was a super cute movie, and if you're in the mood for something to pull at your heartstrings I would definitely recommend watching it. As someone who has been known to write some letters of my own into a journal, the movie hit pretty close to home and I can definitely say I was able to learn a thing or two about myself from watching. 

Amidst my journey of self-discovery and personal growth, I recently came to the realization that I kind of suck.

This whole time I've been wrapped up in the thought and expectation that people are just going to let me down, that I never really realized all the ways that I might be the one letting people down. 

I always joke that I am the human representation of the meme where the little girl is smirking as she walks away from an exploding building. I have a nasty little habit of intentionally sabotaging situations and causing these "explosions" only to walk away from it all together not giving a f*ck about the aftermath or the people involved. 

As I have started to become more self-aware, it has become more and more difficult to walk away from the burning house pretending like I don't really care, when the reality of the situation is that the house is on fire because I really, really care. What I find even more upsetting is that the people in my life who despite my shitty behavior continue to want to be in my life and just accept that it's just who I am and have grown accustomed to the fact that I'm just going to have my "moments". So, here I am projecting this irrational fear of being let down, that I have just created myself an environment of people who just expect to be let down by me. Realizing that really breaks my heart. 

I am a huge believer in owning your shit. Stepping back and realizing all the ways you might have contributed to failed relationships, friendships, jobs, etc. I have no problem owning mine. I'll be the first to tell you I have a temper, I'm a bit neurotic, anti-social, quick to dismiss people, I mean the list goes on. We get so wrapped up in blaming others for our problems, that we don't sit down and take note of all the ways we might have provoked those scenarios. A huge part of my growth and self-acceptance came from admitting that I'm not perfect, I have parts of me that aren't so nice and that is OK. The more I've started to accept these parts of myself the more people have shifted into my life that accept them too. Oh my goodness...what a feeling!

Life is a never-ending cycle of learning. The more awakened I become, the more lessons the universe starts to send my way. It's like leveling up in a video game. You tackle one thing just to encounter the next. Well, consider this your cheat code. Passed the level of owning your shit, comes realizing when it's time to make the effort to at the very least work towards changing. I say it like that because I am still in the process of trying to change, and trust me it's not easy.

I always preach about wanting someone who makes an effort and when you find those people I think you need to be honest about whether or not you are truly returning the effort. Those people in your life who have given the energy to stick around and try to understand how to deal with your behavior, I believe, deserve for you to at least care about your actions and make a conscious effort to try and be better for the people who do their best for you. I've been that person, and while I might choose to love unconditionally it doesn't feel very good and to know I may be that person for others, doesn't feel very good either. 

It is so easy to suppress our feelings and pretend like we don't care. It's easy to walk away from situations and just vanish instead of admitting that we have feelings. Guilt, Love, Fear. They are emotions we all face, some of us are just better at hiding than others. I think the people that truly care about you will not only be happy to hear the truth, but grateful that you've made the effort to overcome that fear. I've realized sometimes the overthinking is what kills you and whether feelings are reciprocated or not, it's the truth that sets you free. Sometimes we just have to remember that it's safe to take that plunge because worst case we'll be there to catch our own fall. That's really the only support you ever need, anything else is just an added bonus. 

So, to all the boys(and also friends) that have been victims of my suckiness...I'm sorry. I did/am doing the best I can. Hurt people, hurt people. You know how it goes. The best thing we can do is to try and stop perpetuating the cycle. Instead of confining our feelings to ourselves or our journals, make a choice to be more open and honest with people, free yourself.

 To all the people still in my life, thank you for not only putting up with my shit but inspiring me to make the effort to be better. 

On that note...

May your week be filled with lots of love,

-J

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Diving Into a Pool With No Water

I remember the first time I ever really felt heartbroken. I was sitting in the kitchen crying to my mom, repeating the same broken record in my head,  “How could he do this to me? He told me he loved me?!”. 

I’ll never forget what she responded to that day. 

She said, “Well, shame on you for thinking his definition or capacity of love is the same as yours.” 

Amidst all the crying something had finally clicked in that moment of tough love. She was right. Just because he said it doesn’t necessarily mean he lied. It just meant his idea and experience of love was different than mine, and instead of observing the actions, I got wrapped up in the words. 

I’m the first person to admit that I’m a sucker when it comes to the sweet-talkers. It’s fun. It’s hard not to eat that shit up. But I’ve learned the hard way that if those words aren’t backed up by action, chances are things aren't going to end well for you. 

I get the same phone calls and conversations from my friends all asking the same thing when they are upset. "I don't understand how this happened?", "How could he do this?", "Did I really just mean nothing to him?" 

I'm not throwing anyone under the bus, this is a collective trend in today's dating scene, and I'm not saying that I haven't said one or all of those statements. My response is always the same. You have to pay attention to the actions, but I'm beginning to realize not everyone has an understanding of what these actions entail. 

Someone told me the other day in regards to a relationship, "Jenn, just remember to make sure the pool has water in it before you dive into the deep end." Better advice honestly couldn't be given and I think it's a step that we all tend to overlook. 

Imagine when you're training for something. Maybe you have a vacation coming up you want to look good for or a competition you're preparing for...whatever. You're motivated. You work your ass off to get the results you want for that specific goal. The day comes and goes. Now what? Do you continue working your ass off, do you keep the same routine, or do you think "eh, I accomplished what I wanted no need to keep pursuing that"  Sure it's a completely different scenario but remember this... How you do one thing, is how you do everything. You can learn a lot about a person just through observation of their day-to-day habits.

That being said. Buying flowers for someone is easy. Taking someone to dinner is easy. Telling someone they are beautiful or "I could imagine spending the rest of my life with you", unfortunately for some people, is very easy. While these are all wonderful gestures that you should hope for, be aware of the timing in which they are happening. Where is the effort going towards? Is there really any effort at all? 

In my own personal journey of learning how to value actions over words. I started to realize that when we actually pay attention to certain details we can almost always see a form of behavior coming in some way or another. 

I spent a lot of time with this one guy, who made an effort to really just immerse himself in my life. Everything I did, he wanted to be a part of. We'd talk for hours and he'd ask me these really deep questions and would really work towards getting to know each other on a very deep level and I thought, "Wow! this person is really making an effort to be in my life." I remember in one of our conversations he was talking about how he can be a little obsessive and takes on new hobbies and then after overdoing it for a month or two moves on to the next obsession. Oh shit. It was at that moment I realized, I dived into a pool that had no water. 

Sure enough, it wasn't long before I was in the rearview and he was immersing himself in whatever new "hobby" he had picked up. Luckily, I recognized the behavior pattern instantly and was able to look back and say, well I saw it coming. You see sometimes people can't control their nature, and it's not up to us to change them. Just to be aware. I don't think at any moment he was disingenuous with me, (Shit, he even gave me a heads up without realizing it) at the end of the day his natural tendencies kicked in, and just as most of us do, he went with it instead of making the effort to change. 

It's times like these we have to remember in our moments of hurt, that sometimes these things have so little to do with us and a lot more to do with who that person is. We have to be more forgiving with ourselves, and also learn to be more forgiving towards the people who may cause us pain.  

We can truly avoid so much hurt by just simply paying attention, communicating, and making our own effort towards getting to know someone and building a relationship. All the behaviors we would appreciate from someone else towards us. When we do these things not only are we learning to understand why they behave the way they do, but we stop blaming ourselves for things we can't control, and we start learning how to just accept that which is. So, learn to stop ignoring what is sometimes directly in front of you and if you are unaware of what to look for these are my go-to rules! 

If you have to repeatedly ask them to make an effort...run. just run. They're never going to. 

The best action someone can show you... hands down is consistency. If you've ever been consistent with something in your own life, you know it takes some damn effort. If someone makes the effort to be consistent with you, appreciate that. 

Pay attention to the little things. Like those day-to-day habits, how they speak about previous relationships, or even how they treat hobbies vs. passions. You'll learn a lot about a person and where you fall in between the two groups. I promise. 

Find someone who holds space for you to be you. I frequently write about holding space for those we love. Allowing them to truly be themselves, but make sure you find someone who does the same for you and knows how to be very patient, and takes the time to learn how to communicate with you in a conducive way. 

Last but not least. Remember that not everyone is going to comprehend love the same way you do and that’s OK. Just as I'm sure most of you know of the different love languages, we have to be understanding that not everyone grew up with our same experience of receiving love and affection. It's up to us to make an effort to learn what it is our S.O needs and how they go about expressing the idea of love and from there we can assess whether or not we are ready to dive into that pool and know how to make sure the water is there to catch our fall.

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Hypnosis? What it's all about? My Experience.

When it comes to personal development, it's not a secret that I'm pretty much up to try anything. Recently, I had a consultation for business coaching. I am 100% an advocate of no matter where or how established you are in life you can always benefit from having some form of a coach or a mentor. So, as of recently, I've been in search of one who resonates with what I want for myself and is able to grasp my vision and how to help me get there. 

Well, after my thirty-minute consultation last week that ended up running more like an hour, I felt as though I found someone who was really able to connect with me on a deep level. I went in talking about my business goals and after 5 minutes she was able to pinpoint mental blockages that I hadn't even fully acknowledged, which to be honest left me a bit stunned. 5 minutes and she had already honed in on my emotional unavailability and my knack for self-sabotaging (Oh...didn't realize it was that obvious.) Turns out these fun little self-limitations not only hinder my business development but also my relationships with others, as well as my relationship with myself. 

She proceeded to talk to me about hypnotherapy and explain how before we could move forward with the business coaching we first must heal whatever event in my life serves as the root cause for these limiting beliefs. She handed me a box of Kleenex....which, I quickly placed far away from myself, letting her know she'd be hard-pressed to get any tears out of me. The only people who have managed to see me cry are those with who I am extremely close and comfortable with (and maybe a few who've been around me in situations when I've had a few too many alcoholic beverages). 

A week and 2 hours of hypnotherapy later, my head hurts from all the crying I did. Like I said, I'll try anything if it's promising to grow or evolve me in some way. Hypnosis has always been something I've been a little skeptical about, but after sitting in that chair, being regressed to childhood, and crying freely to this complete stranger, I'm pretty sure I must have been frickin hypnotized.  

The entire purpose of the session was to regress, find the root cause, understand, heal that inner child, and let go of those past experiences. My biggest concern going in was that I didn't want to uncover some weird repressed memory (which she assured me, doesn't work like that). It just addresses a moment or a feeling when you started developing these thoughts and how that affected and molded your belief system. I figured I'd share with you a bit about my hypnosis experience and what understanding I've managed to come out with. 

Understanding our Inner Child

My regression took me back to when I was 5 years old, feeling overly sensitive and very different from everyone else. I felt rejected and the kids in my class would make fun of me and call me "cry, baby". I had one friend who despite considering them to be my best friend they were cruel and did a lot of things to put me down. While in my subconscious I had attached a face to my pain, the reality was all the beliefs were self-created. My five-year-old self just wanted to understand how she could look up to someone and have so much love for this person only to be reciprocated with unkindness and hot/cold behavior (Sounds like the never-ending record of my life).  I had created comfort surrounding the idea that love (whether it's friendship or romantic) is pain, and the more pain I felt the more I built my shell and learned to repress those emotions that made me feel so different. 

Understanding your Triggers

Re-living these emotions made everything else so clear. I finally understood how I've gotten to this point and why I pursue the relationships that I pursue. I've been looking for that answer to the question little 5-year-old Jenn had been asking. Still fighting to understand how sometimes we can do so much for someone only to have them respond with cruelty or hatefulness, unknowingly causing harm to myself and creating disappointments that spill into other facets of my life. Constantly chasing that feeling of fulfillment from my externals, whether it's success in golf, my career, or relationships, only to self-sabotage and shut myself down in order to avoid feeling that hurt and disappointment. It's easy to chase these expectations because sometimes it's easier for us to cope with the disappointment of not giving our all than it is to give our all and put ourselves at risk to have to actually feel it all.  

Acceptance

While in the hypnosis I had a nice little chat with 5 year old me. I told her, 1. Be you. You are beautiful. Your ability to feel and to feel free is a gift. 2. Who gives a shit what people think. Not everyone's going to like you and that's OK. More reason to be yourself. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again. We are raised in a society that teaches us to repress our emotions, my experience is a prime example of this. I am sensitive and love way more than I should and allow the people I love to get away with way more than they should and because of that, I've built my icy, emotionally unavailable exterior. The reality, which brought me the most tears in the session was that a little 5-year-old was made to feel the need to repress this beautiful, creative, and sensitive way of seeing the world. I've decided it's time to break free from this belief. I choose to no longer miss out on experiences in life out of a fear of feeling hurt or pain, because when we numb ourselves to that we are also numbing ourselves to moments of extreme joy. 

It's a process that I'm sure 2 hours of hypnotherapy won't completely solve, but when we are made more aware of the root cause, we can begin taking the necessary steps to solve the problem. My hope is that I can get back to being as emotionally free and connected to the source as that 5-year-old girl, but for now the best I can do is release her and focus on being who I want to be in this moment.

<3      

I highly recommend testing out a clinical hypnotherapist if you have the chance, and if you are in the Tampa area check out Debbie at Soho Wellness Med Spa.

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